On Saturday, I went for a walk. The sun was shining although winter still has it’s grip on this city. I took the public transport to Olympia Park, then I walked up Olympiaberg, an artificial hill made up of debris from World War II.
As I walked, I breathed in the cool, fresh winter air. It seemed almost as if every inhalation woke me up a bit more, and with each exhalation I removed a bit more of the cobwebs from inside my chest.
As a child, I grew up with the sounds of waves crashing against the shore and the birds singing in the trees. Summers were bare feet, fireflies, and cricket song. Nature is where I’m happiest, and it’s what gives me life. Although my dreams were always bigger than a small town, I know I’m not made for the big city.
I thought about this when I was standing still at the top of the hill, soaking in the sun and letting the cool breeze wash over me. In that moment I realized that there are two versions of myself.
There is a version of myself which is relaxed, funny, adventurous, and ambitious. This version is outdoors in nature as much as humanly possible, yearns to travel near and far, and writes introspectively and honestly.
Sadly, this isn’t who I’ve been for most of these last months. The self that I have been is anxious about the smallest things, uses books and movies as escapism, and often goes about her days in a fog. Since the last month of finalizing my thesis, I have become this person.
Being outdoors in the park helped to clear the fog and cobwebs. I have spent so much time indoors and in the city that my sense of self has been suffocated as well as my creativity.
These are not the original words. I had written another post, but it wasn’t right. Spending some time alone in nature today reminded me that I have two different writing styles which seem to reflect those two versions of myself. The original post was written in a style which a reader can understand and perhaps find interesting. I’ve put out plenty of this writing and received praise for it, but this is not the version of my writing which I like to express. My preferred writing is that which a reader can feel.
Since September, I’ve finished my Master’s degree, moved out of my student flat in Konstanz, started a new job, visited my family in Missouri for Christmas, and moved into a new flat in Munich. The winter has been bitterly cold and snowy. On top of the weather, my work hours have made it very difficult for me to spend much time outdoors. Everything has been a whirlwind of activity, and all of it occurred between the walls of various buildings.
So… I’m in Munich now. I’ve been working here for almost six months, although settling into a flat was a more recent occurrence. I’ll not write much about the transition of the past six months, as it was cumbersome and quite boring to be honest.
What I will tell you, dear reader, is that I will be making an effort to get outdoors, be the truer version of myself, and write with a little more feeling (although I promise you’ll still get the travel tales and recommendations!). This is definitely going to be a greater challenge than in the past since I’m more “in the city” than I’ve ever been in my life, albeit a worthwhile one.