Where to start? There’s so much to say, but no words that are right to say it. Everything is shifting, yet everything is standing still. I’m in such a strange place. I can’t tell you where the beginning is, nor do I know where the end will be. But I guess I can pretend that January is the starting point for the purposes of this post.
January it is. I had several posts lined up – posts that I guess I’ll still publish, but first I need to get this out. My relationship ended. I’m not going to go into details here about why, or tell you all about my private life. I don’t want to put myself out there in that way, nor would I do that to my ex. But it’s an important piece of the story, of my story, so I need to state it.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that my life has and still is undergoing a massive transformation. I learned a lot in a very short space of time, and it wasn’t a pleasant learning experience. I’m doing a lot of self-reflection, trying to understand my shortcomings and the things I need to heal in myself. I have a lot of rough days, still.
Funny thing is, after over five years with a person, I now feel like I lost myself a bit. This person helped me adjust to living abroad and discover new hobbies, places, and even parts of myself that I didn’t know were there. I’m trying to disentangle what is me and what are parts of me that aren’t me anymore.
Apart from all of the inner work I’m doing, there were a lot of other changes that came up along with the end of the relationship. The biggest one: I moved to a new apartment in another part of town. It’s quiet here, not much traffic at all, and you can even hear the birds singing – just what I need at this moment.
Living alone has been its own challenge in this pandemic time. I don’t have face-to-face conversations all that often. I don’t know how the people who were living alone before the pandemic managed for so long. Sometimes I feel a bit mad here talking to my plants.
So this is my new reality. Sometimes I wake up, and I’m not sure where I am. Six months on, I’m still directionless. My anchor is gone. I am untethered from all plans I had, all hopes I had, all that made sense.
I’m not sure what’s next. All I know is that I’m undergoing deep transformation. I don’t really know how to end this post, but the good thing is that this post doesn’t need an end. My story is still being written.